Loving another baby

First off, I want to point out that my intention of writing this is not to make anyone feel sorry for me.  So please don't.  It is simply to record my experiences and share them with anyone else who may benefit...

The thought of getting pregnant again after Jovie was a little scary, but exciting.  We got pregnant the first time we tried (again).  I don't know why I always think its going to take longer to work.  Suddenly, it began to make me nervous, but I knew I had a lot of time until they baby was actually born.  Well, that time came and went faster than I thought.  When the due date was only a couple months away I found myself wishing that time would slow down. I simply did not want to have to take care of two kids.  I liked my time with Jovie and being able to get a nice break during her nap.  Things were good.

It was easy to fall in love with Jovie because I was always thinking about her.  I would spend so much time just looking at my belly and anticipating meeting her. I could have told you at any given time exactly what was developing (on average) in her tiny unborn body, how big she was, and how much she weighed (thank you babycenter).  When I was pregnant with Finn I was still only thinking about Jovie and taking care of her.  I never had the bond with him in my belly like I did with Jovie.  I didn't think I could love another baby like I loved her.

Then Finn was born, and sadly the story doesn't get much better yet, in fact it gets worse.  He was a pretty easy going baby for the first two weeks but nursing was a nightmare.  Then two weeks rolled around and all heck broke loose.  It was another Jovie all over again.  He screamed all day.  Basically every waking moment he was crying.  And he didn't sleep very much either.  Nor did I.  If I laid him down to sleep it would last about 10 minutes then he would be up screaming.  So I just held him upright while sitting on the couch.  Some days I would do this all day long.  I would try to keep him asleep as much as I could, otherwise he would be screaming.

In addition, poor Jovie was being deprived.  All my attention was going to Finn.  We never got out of the house because Finn would just scream the entire time at the top of his lungs.  I couldn't play with Jovie because I was always trying to keep Finn under control.  She would always be upset and so would I.  I was so irritable that my patience was non-existent.  I was not treating her the way she deserved and that made me feel even more horrible.

I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into despair.  I was miserable, more tired than I've ever been, and didn't have a moment to relax.  I could barely get away because Finn liked to eat so often and wasn't very good with a bottle.

When Finn was 5 weeks old I took him to the doctor to try and figure out what was going on.  I expect a baby to cry but this was out of control.  I went through this with Jovie and never found an answer.  But she was all I had and I could deal with it better then.  Now I just felt overwhelmed and alone.

I was angry.  Very angry.  "What was I thinking?", "Why did I want another baby?", "I wish I just had Jovie still", "this poor innocent baby derives someone better than me.  I can't love him like I should".  I did love him but not nearly as much as I needed to.  Sometimes I would be so angry I would shove him in Kell's arms without looking at him and go into the other room.  I didn't want to look him.  The days were dark and long.

The doctor suggested that I take milk and soy out of my diet because it might be upsetting his stomach.  After a few weeks of no milk and soy things were a lot better (I also took out wheat, eggs, and nuts for a while, but that's another long story).  I could actually put Finn on the floor and he wouldn't scream.  This was unheard of before.  We could never put him down. And then he started sleeping better. And so did I.

That's when things really started to change.  I felt like I was coming alive again.  I wasn't sleep deprived anymore.  I could lay next to Finn on the bed and look at him in the eyes and he would be happy.

I loved him.  I loved him so much.  My love grew quickly over the next few weeks.  Now as I write this story I cannot stop the tears from streaming down my face.  I will not deny that it was hard.  Very hard.  But was it worth it?  Yes.  I love that little boy so much I would throw myself in front of a train for him.  There really is no way to show in words your love for a child.  I could gaze into those eyes all day long and be happy.  I no longer regret having him.  I could not imagine life without him.

We are given trials in our life and I guess having hard babies is one of them for me.  But we all have trials so I am no different than anyone else.  I hope that I can help others because of my experiences and that I will likewise benefit from others.  Life is hard sometimes and that is okay.  I think it's better to be honest and aware of things instead of hiding them inside.  It was hard in the beginning, but it did get better!  Don't let this post scare you from having children because I did make it through and I DO want more children in the future.   :)

5 months

Side Note:  My family was amazing through this.  They were so willing to help when I needed anything, even when I didn't ask for it.  They would come over, pick Jovie up, and take her back to their place for a while just so I could get a break.  And of course Kell always helps a ton with the kids when he's home from work.  This is probably how I survived.  THANK YOU!!